some thoughts....

Rumors spread
 Reputations crumble
In the end
 We'll all be humble

Vanity vanity
Meaningless it has been called
Gosips will perish
Kingdoms will fall.

what point is there in living?
 is there a point at all?
pain is the only option for some
 a pain to cure them all

"Please don't do that!" there friends exclaim,
"You're only hurting yourself" they say.
"don't you understand?" I say,
 "oh don't you see?
that's why I do it
 I want to be free."

 pain heals suffering
 even if it means
hurting myself
 I mean...
...what do I mean?
I want to do it.
 I want to feel free.
I want to hurt myself so badly
 that people understand why
why I cry
 why demons haunt me
in the night
 why I can't take it
why my family fights

no one understands me.
 not one soul
I wish I could die
 I could live a new life
away from the pain
 away from the strife

alas I cannot
 I'm silly, you see,
I know that cuts hurt
 and I can't stand the pain
feeling a dull ache while healing
 hiding in vain
what's it worth?
I mean really...

in the end, what is it worth?
 I hate myself
because of my pain
 because I'm not pretty
and because I'm too vain
 because I'm too skinny
but not skinny enough...

 110 is a number,
a number I fear.
 It convinces me I'm not hungry
when I haven't ate yet that day
 five 'o clock comes around
I still haven't ate
I'm too worried about
 watching my weight

My mom asks if I'm eating,
 my friend tells her yes,
I say I'm not hungry,
 but my friend saw through that
I say ok and get some food,
my friend leaves


 I try to eat some
 my throat constricts at eating
even the thought
 I eat maybe half,
but maybe not

I just can't do this
 I feel so wrong
I sin every day
 I eat every day
I cry most nights
 I sleep sometimes

this cycle must end
 pain-sin-guilt-breakdown-sin
and over again

it must end soon
 before I go insane
before I
 before I do something undesireable
before I go insane